Year End Confession

Well, Another year has come to an end. I have to say, I thought 2004 was going to be a whole lot different. I mean, when it started, I was engaged, not happily, but engaged nonetheless. I thought I would finally get married and all my problems would be over. Boy, was I ever wrong. See, while I liked Tyler, my then fiance (I guess, I mean, my parents didnt know about him at first) I even kinda loved him a little, I didn't really see myself being married to him. I knew it was wrong to lead him on, but I figured, I could grow to love him. the fact that he seemed to love me was good enough for me. He was anti everything I loved (name brand clothing, fast food, anything cool) but I was willing to put up with it, because I thought I could grow to love him. After all, he was really nice and seemed to love me. I never had that so who was I to judge? He started reading my email which I told him to do, since my parents would ban me from the computer (they still do sometimes, but oh well). I found out he would do it when I didnt ask him. He would get mad that other guys would email me. Like old friends and such. It's like dude, they were my friends before YOU came around so go away. He would get mad,but I thought it was sweet, since I thought it was because he loved me so. When he wrote me about an email my best friend sent me, I knew he had gone too far. I basically played a trick that got him pissed but he deserved it. I emailed myself from another account and pretended I was a guy and stuff, needless to say he was pretty mad. Good though, he got ME mad. I was sick of him then and I didnt want to marry him, but my dad would let me end the thing, since he said I had taken it so far already. Of course, by then he was mad at me and felt he couldn't trust me anymore, so he told my dad he didn't want to marry me anymore. Oh then he lied on me BIG time. He used my old emails and told my dad what was in them. My friends and I joke around a lot and he told my dad like say they were truth. I got in a lot of trouble because of him. I couldn't believe that crap.
I was depressed about this for about a month. I still had school to worry about so I just put my mind to that. Taking 5 classes 2 days a week was hard but I did well enough. I didn't let Tyler get to me. My parents were mad though and that hurt a lot. My dad thought it was all true and I couldn't tell him it wasn't because Tyler said it was true. Oh, and what also pissed me off about him was the fact that he stole my totally wicked name. See, he was calling himself Uday, which is fine, but I didn't like it. I said I like Khalid Jihad, and he adopted that, and is using that name to this day! I mean really, isn't there a way I can sue or something? Oh well, he got it now, the freak.
Also in 2004, I found out a lot of stuff. First, this guy I went to school with got murdered like 2 years ago, and I never knew. Then, my friend has a 1 year old kid, never knew she was pregnant. Out of my 8th grade class, I'm the only girl without a kid, interesting. Then, that friend with the one year old, her brother got killed in a police shootout. Just before Ramadan. Then, during Ramadan, a guy from my class killed a guy at a club. It's like, what's goin on man? we went to an ISLAMIC SCHOOL. It's so sad.
In terms of school, I went ALL YEAR, no break. but I think my lowest grade was a C. I got 2, one in precalculus and one in Media, which was my best class, damned papers. I like school, only 2 more classes then I graduate! yea!
In all, this was a down year. I mean, that whole Tyler thing messed me up. School was an up, but not very much. Maybe next year, 2005, things will look up. I sure hope so.

feeling better confession

Today I am feeling a lot better. I did not take any pills that night (except the ones I am supposed to take). I was just stress and depressed. I get that way during th holidays. Doesn't matter what kind, I was depressed during Eid, I get depressed during Christmas, It might carry over into Kwanzaa, I don't know. I don't know why I get that way. I guess it's because things don't seem to agree with me. I'm a weird person and people don't get me, and that upsets me and triggers mental breakdowns. I am a big crybaby, I always have been, and I think I always will be. I cry over anything. Like, yesterday, I cried because the guy at the driver's test told my dad I was mean to him. (which by the way was a total lie!) I cry when I don't get my way, when I get my way, I cried when I had to go to Syria, when I had to leave Syria, when I had to go back to Syria. I even cried when I got a job. I am just a big bucket of tears according to my mother. Seriously though, I am fine. My real problem is that I let people get into my head and make me upset. I am a dreamer and I live in a fantasy world that I need to come out of. The problem is, I am not ready to just yet.

confession of depression

Well, Finals are over, I am finally free. I have washed my hair, cleaned my room, washed my clothes, and I am feeling horrible. I am so depressed. I want to cry! I mean, sure, I can cry every night, which I do without fail, but these days it doesn't seem to be enough. I want something more. I just don't know what. Actually, I think I do know, I just don't want to admit it, not just yet. Oh hell, why not admit it. I am lonely! I'm 22, and still living at home. I am sick and tired of my friends trying to fix me up, I am tired of people younger than me getting married telling me "don't worry, you'll get married soon" I am sick to death of my dumb as ever sisters telling me they'll be married with kids before me! I mean, whatever did I do to deserve a life like this? I am loyal, right? All my life I stood by and watched as my friends got married and had relationships, and I never had one, got proposed to, it SUCKS! totally. I am fed up with it. I try telling my parents, but they think I am joking and crap, they don't care, they only care about their dumb kids. If only there was a way for me to find someone on my own and marry him, but let's keep it real for a sec, who in their right mind would wanna marry me? I am SO not marriage material, which is why I am 22 and still at home, even my dumb ex didn't want me in the end, which is like, what the HELL? he was a total RETARD and he knew I was damaged goods or something. This is such bull. I hate my life. I wish I could drop off the face of the earth, but that ain't happening anytime soon. I better just pop a few pills and call it a night, Shizoids! I can't pop anything, I gotta go out! dammit! I HATE feeling like this, first thing Monday morning, I am calling a Shrink, I am tired of this, I need help, I am tired of being ignored. I have to make a decision. I need to find someone, at least a decent male friend, which I have none of, hell, I think at this point in my life I would be willing to accept the companionship of a gay guy, that's how depressed I am feeling right now. I seriously don't know what is the cause of this here wave of depression. I'm gonna go eat some ice cream or something.

my (say it ain't so) hip hop confession!

Well, I have to confess. I usually listen to Pop music, and alternative, a bit of punk rock, and sometimes jazz and r&b. But lately, I 've been listening to the Rap station! I mean, I LOVE snoop Dogg! I mean, "Drop it like it's hot" is my SONG! I actually downloaded it, but, shhh, don't tell. Then, Destiny's Children, who I HATE got that song "Soldier" I mean, I don't even LIKE thugs, but when I walk into a room I feel like shouting "I see some Soldiers in here!" (hey, I go to school near a military base too, that might be a reason) I spent so long trying to get that thug mentality out of my system only to have it creep back in! AAAAAGH! When I was dealing with that guy Tyler, he said I sounded white normally, (what does THAT mean?) but then whenever I was around my cousin Adrian, Tyler said I sounded Black and ghetto (is that supposed to be a BAD thing?) I can't help being the way I am. I am Black, but I am not ghetto, and I don't want to be. I do not LIKE acting ghetto, and I don't like liking all this rap music. WHY ME! When I write my songs, (some of which I may share at a later time) they aren't raps, but country songs I think. they're depressing. Oh well, that's just me. gotta go. Just needed to get that off my chest. until I confrss again...

I confess- this paper is hard

Tonight, I am attempting to write a paper on the Trinity Broadcasting Network. It's for my media class. I chose that topic, why? Hell if I know, I was just watching it one day and I was like- OHMIGOSH! I am SO doing a paper on this stuff. So here I sit, stumped. The temtation of the internet is getting to me. if I dont do something I will fall asleep. I can drink cold water.... yes, I will do that. hold on.... okay (time elapsed like 34 seconds) I got a water bottle out of my room. This paper has to be at LEAST 1200 words, and I can't even come up with like, 500. crud and a quarter. ok, i'm at 279. Stupid paper on stupid TBN on stupid TV. I am sleepy! I hate this. And you all can't call me a procrastinator because It's due wednesday. I just want it out of the way so I can do the BIG 6 page paper. Shoot, I just thought of something. while I am writing this here blog, I could be writing that paper. I gotta go yall. Until I come back...

late night confessional

Howdy all! Today, I saw my little nephew. Well, technically, he's my cousin, but his father is practically my brother, so he's like my nephew. Anyway, his mother was there, and it was so cute how they interact. She has been having problems, but she's working on herself. She SO needs Islam, but I think she feels that White people don't convert... Boy is SHE wrong. I never tried giving her Dawah, maybe now is a good time to. I was thinking earlier, Ratboy (my nephew) would look absolutely ADORABLE in a thobe! I am gonna buy one, put it on him, snap a picture, then hurry and take it off before his parents see. Wait, Adrian, (his father) shouldn't mind, he wore them himself back in the day. I wish he was a practicing Muslim again. I mean, his son needs some kinda religion to follow. Why not Islam? His father, after all is a Haji, shoot, I am gonna work hard for it. Or maybe not. I don't know anymore! Let me change subjects.
I have at least 2 papers to do this weekend. I was gonna start my BIG one, but I changed my mind. I am SO pissed off at my teacher. I mean, I thought about the class, and I thought all was good at first, but it wasn't- he is an IDIOT! he is SO into the environment its like, I am taking RELIGION, not ECOLOGY! oh well, I still gotta do this paper. It's on the Abrahamic faiths and their relationship to the Environment. For all yall who don't know (I am sure the 3 of you do but still) the Abrahamic faiths are the 3 religions that trace their root to Abraham. that would be Judaism, Christianity and Islam. this paper is giving me such a migraine! I wish I was still popping pills, because I desperately need them now. I looked in the cabinet and I saw some low dose (like 220 mg) of aspirin, but come ON, I was a percecet addict, that low dose crap does nothing for me. then I saw some nighttime stuff, but I wanna stay awake (gotta start SOMETHING tonight) I decided to take a bunch of the low dose crappy things. I took 3, 660 mg. Considering that I used to take 2 500mg on a normal day, I should be fine- right? I'm sure my body can handle it. Inshaallah it can. Okay, I will not thing about it.
Tomorrow, (or later Today, damn, it's late) my mom is cooking (Weird I know) breakfast (double WHOA!). My dad is bringing his sister over. Um, yeah, she's mentally ill. seriously. and um, when I was like 10, she threatened to like, kill me, so I am scared of her. also, uh, well, she kinda smells pissy. My mom HATES having her around and friday night, my sister and I had to go out to a resturant with her. Alhumdulillah, there was hardly anyone in there, because she was -there is no WORD for how bad she smelled. I don't know if my dad notices it or not, because he never says anything about it. I recall he told his daddy he smelled like Urine, shoot, tell her! save us ALL!!! Okay, I am going to end here. I think the feds are on to me... (I'll explain some other time

my next confession

Today, I went to school. we watched some video. BORING! My religion class last night was kinda cool, the teacher let me and the other Muslim gorl explain the religion. I kept my mouth shut for the most part, but I did say one thing, that Iblis wasn't an angel. we watched some movie called Baraka and it was weird. there was no words, and some rhemus monkey thing in water. plus, some women kissing a lock. the teacher tried to say that all muslims do that, but I told them the truth, that was a shiite thing. the other muslim girl, she was like "they aren't supposed to be doing that, we don't kiss anyone's hands or feet. kissing feet is gross! Then we watch this interview with Houston Smith and Bill Moyers on Islam. Houston Smith prays 5 times a day! I was like whoa! But he isn't Muslim. I think that's cool though.
I can't wait for this semester to be over! I have 2 classes next semester and only 1 is on campus. Whoohoo!!!

my first confession

Hello everyone (okay, like the 3 people reading this) I have decided that I will begin confessing all about being a purple Alien. After all, it's hard being this way. So here goes!
Okay, so like, I woke up at 11 am today. I only did because my mom was yelling at my sick sister. I am SO tired now. I mean, I got what- 10 hours of sleep, but I wasn't online much so I am tired. I have Comparative Religion at the Catholic High school at 6:3o, and I would skip, like I did last time, but we start Islam. I wanna see what everyone thinks about it. (actually, I wanna go because it would be wrong if the Muslim girl missed class when we talk about her religion) Well, I guess I should go, I already missed 3 classes and I don't have the best average in that class (it's like a C or something) i can't help it if the teacher is BORING though, that's on him. Well, i guess I better go get my stuff, I can't find that notebook- We haven't had the class in like 2 weeks, I can't help it. Later all, Come back soon for my next confession, if you want to.