hurt confession

Okay, there is something seriously wrong with me. I think I really am crazy. See, I have been crying all day, but I been hiding it with the fact that I was reading microfilm, and I pretended that the glare was hurting my eyes. A lie, yes, but who gives? I hate life. THere, I said it. Next week, I am going to my friends' graduation, and we're gonna hang out that weekend, but I don't feel up to hanging out, and being happy. I am too shy, every day like a gazillion times, a total hotty comes and gets water from the water cooler next to my desk. Three weeks I been working at that place and I haven't even said hi to him. I stare at him like an obsessed 12 year old, and I even go so far as to do the stare, look away thing. Jebus! I am such an idiot. I wish I could crawl under a rock and die or something. This by the way has absolutely nothing to do with a certain text I sent out, then, I was feeling goofy. *sigh*. I am forced to admit my big confession (well, one of the bajillion). My biggest fear is that I will wind up lonely. No big secret there, but I am a very overly sensitive person, and I don't deal with rejection well. THat would be ANY kind of rejection. If someone tells me to move, I cry. Look at me wrong, I will drop a tear. and the worst kind of rejection? Being ignored. It pains me to think that the reason people ignor me is because they don't like me. It could be that they don't notice me or something like that, but in my head they thing I am a fat ass bitch who needs to die. Sad, indeed, true, Hells ya. I don't know when I got like this. When I was younger, I was outgoing. I had loads of friends, guys included. Hell, I even had a boyfriend at one time. ( I was 5 shut up). I have always been popular, then I move to the suburban ghetto and become this weirdo. This crap is painful. I need to go take my pain and get rid of it. Will confess more soon, I hope...

Im an loser confession

Well, I did it, and I feel like an idiot. I told the person how I feel and have heard nothing. In a way I am glad, since this gives me time to think of an excuse for the text. (Im, a punk, sue me.) I have been off the internet since then, I needed time away since the net is my downfall. Every time I get on here, I fall for a net guy. I am insanely pitiful. I need to go out into the real world and meet REAL guys. Only problem is I am so shy. I can see the hottest guy and I lower my gaze quick. (Islamically, I am supposed to do this.) The problem lies in the fact that I wanna get married. I never go anywhere that decent Muslim guys go to, and the masjid doesn't count because the ones there are not my type. I know my type and they don't hang out at the masjid. Oh man, that sounded SO bad. What I mean is that they aren't phony Salafi types. Those are the kinds of guys I can't stand. Their talk is peppered with these arabic catch-phrases that aren't even pronounced right, like "you ain't on the Haq." Eww, they sound so icky. Plus I wouldn't like to be married to a guy who either won't met me work and go to school or who will be living off of MY paycheck. Not that they are all like that, just the ones I know, They are annoying as hell. and the swimming in black look is SO not me. It's like, wear some color, dag. brighten up your wardrobe. you can wear niqab, but PLEEEEEEZE wear something other htan black. Purple is awesome, it brightens up my life, it will help them a lot, yeah. Sorry, I am just mad at myself, and I am taking it out on others. I need to sleep this off. so until I confess some REALLY deep stuff...

desperate confession

Well, I am SO depressed. I came to the realization that I will graduate from college next month more single than I was going in. It is SO depressing. I know there is someone out there, but it seems like everything is going okay now for me. I have a state job, with benefits, I got into the college of my choice. I am kinda happy, but I want someone to share my happiness with. I need a man badly. It's not about sex, I know that. BAsically, I need someone to talk to when I feel sad, which is a lot, and someone who won't mind me crying. Something I also do often. I know the person I want, but I am too shy, and then, what if he doesn't like me. I feel like a 14 year old, sheesh, having a crush, hell, I dont REALLY know the guy, he just SEEMS perfect for me. I thought Tyler was perfect (why am I lyin, I never thought he was perfect, I just settled) I can't imagine why I am feeling so down. The weather is rainy, MY favorite type. I worked today, was fine, though I have a new fear. Im afraid of driving on the NJ Turnpike at night. There was this horrible accident this morning, and well, 3 people died. I been wantin to cry all day, cause there was a fire and the people were so burned they have to Id them with dental records. I was bummed out, but not like this. Maybe if I had someone, I could talk to him. My friends wont listen to me. They claim I am either a drama queen or a big baby. So I never tell them how I feel. I also did something bad the other day, though I haven't gone through with it. I cant bring myself to do that. Oh well. maybe if someone comes online, I will feel better. It is after all better than feeling like a total loser.

Working confession

Well, I have a real job, with the state. I'm gettin paid tomorrow! for only a week's work, woo hoo!!! I sure hope it is more than that raggedy tax joint paid. I am a judiciary clerk, but all I do is separate old lawsuit papers. Like, from 1980. All these things are older than me, weird. So I haven't seen any prospects for like marriage or anything. I still like the one guy- but I'm too scared to tell him how I feel. blame Tyler I guess. No, don't blame him, I've been shy since like forever. Oh well, I guess I will just stand by while he marries some other chick. Sucks to be me.
Now, I am on a diet, and I dont care, I am a whale nearly as big as the one that was swimmin in the delaware river. Stupid whate he was. I mean, he was white, and dumb. (I am SO not a racist) I call him Moby, but the dumb media call him Hali or Ali or whatever. Stupid. a white whale is moby dick dammit!!
Im calm, I'm calm. So anywho. I haven't talked to my friend in like a month, I should call her this weekend, hopefully she isn't working on Saturday. we are supposed to be getting together next month, Me her, her sister and her sister's friend. I hope we do get together and go out, cause I need to chill out, you know?
Well, I gotta work in the morning, so I'm off.

Belated Confession

It's been a long time, I should have written... Okay, that was my weak attempt at being funny. I have been busy though. I got accepted to Rutgers, which is a total bummer since I already paid Rowan, plus, Rowan is better for me. I also got a REAL job! with the state!! I am happy! I need glasses too, so i might go there looking like a dork, so what, at least I gotta job and can get money!
I went to the MSA conference in NYC. I loved it, my sister and I totally bonded and junks. I saw some calligrapher and that was the most awesome thing of all, TOTALLY hot.
Now on to my fake love life. There is this teacher ( I know, me and teachers, this one is also a History teacher, and my sister's history teacher...) Anyway, he is SO cute, MashaAllah. I mean he is dreamy. He is single, and well, my dad likes him. That is a good sign right? Only problem is he is not my dream guy. Sadly, I have resigned myself to only look at guys like my One true love. Damn me and my silly imagination! It isn't right or fair that I am ignoring decent guys- wait a minute, how do I know he even likes me, I am SO totally overreacting. I mean, hello, I am acting like those weirdo girls who sees a guy, he salams them then they are in love. Not that I am in love or anything, I kinda just get this vibe from him, like, I don't know, he watches me. Which is weird cause since my babies left, I haven't felt that vibe from a guy- well, I did, just not one I like back. *sigh* Oh wells.
There is a person who I like, who matches my dream guy profile, but I am such a shy alien that I can't tell them. Maybe I will one day if I get totally wasted. Haram! I know, but I can't help it. I need help. Need to go cry now. until I confess- speakin of confessions. The Pope has passed away, which means, Friday, I will miss my soaps. Blasted!Well, maybe they will show them, I mean, not EVERYONE in this country is a catholic... Maybe I can see AMC, OLTL and GH. (I NEED to see a certain character on GH. HOTTY!!) But ya, until I confess again... Oh ya, Happy belated B-day to my mommy and happy anniversary to my parents!