Somewhat Stupid Confession

Hi. I am such an idiot. You know how I always gush about guys ans stuff? Well, the truth is I am so damn shy that I don't really tell them howI feel, I mean, not REALLY. Everytime I do tell a guy, its a disaster. So, I have decided to give up. Yes, I, Lavender I.V. Blackwell am not taking it anymore. I will never find a man, so why bother? I seem to have been destined to be alone. what happened you ask?
Well, one of my co workers was kinda fed up with my middleschoolness when it comes to guys. She told the guy I like that someone has the hots for him. Like the dummy I am, I acted weird, blatently exposing myself. But I don't know if he got it. If not, today he sure as hell did.
I was "flirting" all day. Well, I am not very flirtatious, but it was close enough in my book I was kinda jokingly teasing my coworker about the guy, let's call him Seth and the coworker Tara. Anyway, I was teasing Tara that Seth had the hots for her, but the fucked up thing is that I think it is true. so Tara was like, no we're just friends, he's too young, i gotta man, all that BS. I was crushed, and stuff, but she was like, tell him. Come on, ME telling a guy I like him? never gonna happen in person unless I am on something, or joking. So anyway, I wrote up a text, and then Tara sent it! I mean, I was never gonna do it, I was gonna send it to someone else, like my best friend, but she sent it to Seth. I was a wreck, but oh well, I can't blame her since I said she could. What was I thinking? Hell if I know.
So I'm riding on the train and I get a text back, asking who I am and crap. Then he calls me. He didn't know it was me until I got smart, like I usual do. So I told him then said I had to go. I didn't cry then, I was still on the train. But as soon as I hit my car, I was bawling. I am still kinda tearyeyed. So I sent him a text like an hour later and asked if we were still cool. He said yeah, and that he is talkin to someone and i am a nice person, BS BS BS. Is that not a polite way of saying Fuck off Bitch! I know that is harsh, but that is my thinking now. I don't wanna go back to work because I am scared, I am shit scared that the whole office will know I like Seth and laugh at me. And then, why the hell is it that my life was going so well and I had to fuck it up? I hate myself sometimes. Sometimes I wish I was more outgoing, or prettier, or thinner or just not me. Why do I have to be such a loser? It totally sucks.
Oh, and all the stuff in New Orleans, I am so horrible, I am feeling like ,who cares? I know it is totally evil, but I am so depressed and sad that I just wanna crawl under a rock and die.
Ok, need more tears. Until I confess some more...